Friday, 18 May 2007

Bedroom Secrets

Well, the netball was great fun last night, but despite an excellent start and a thrillingly close match, England lost 40 – 47 to Australia.

Disappointing though it was, there was no ripping up of seats at the venue, and no fighting or smashing of car windows on the way back to the station. Just lots of excited girls (young and old) holding hands, waving flags and singing.

Of course, as a result of the late night, I had to drag my daughter out of her bed this morning. It took me about ten minutes to find her under the pile of assorted soft toys, cushions, random strips of material and hair accessories. It looked like ‘'Tracey Emin - The Early Years'.

I noticed that she also had Action Man’s evil nemesis Dr X in there. Not the clean cut hero Action Man whom you would introduce to your parents, but the thuggish bald-biker-lookalike Dr X. Her attraction to a character that has his own weapon of mass destruction for a left arm is a little disconcerting, but I’m sure this is a mere taste of the greater horrors to come.

A quick look in the boys’ bedrooms shows that the gender gap is alive and well, and as wide as ever, even in the under-tens.

One son appears to be nesting, judging by the scraps of torn comic, inserts from video-game covers and the odd Top Trump card. The other has neither soft toys nor books in his bed, just large quantities of grit.

Friday night means Cheap Fizz night, and tonight I am drinking a Marques de Monistrol Rosé cava once again (£6.49 Oddbins). Its quite dry, with a slightly bitter finish reminiscent of burnt currants (I’m not doing a very good sales job here, I know).

It’s rather sad in some ways, but we have been trying to encourage the kids to stay out of our bed, now that they are getting older. This has been driven more by embarrassment on my part, than anything else. One morning last week, my son climbed in next to me for a cuddle. I don’t wish to reveal too many bedroom secrets, but he had the misfortune to lie on the evidence of our marital bliss (i.e. the damp patch) - an unusual situation for a male of any age.

‘Oh Mummy’ he said, with disappointment in his voice, rather than disgust, ‘You’ve wet the bed!’

It shows what a coward I am that I just admitted it, and said rather meekly that I would try not to do it again.


lady macleod said...

LOL That's brilliant! I have bumped into you on other blogs we both frequent so I thought I would just drop in. Sorry I didn't call first, but the scenes in the bedrooms were much better than the cleaned up version would have been.

Good luck with the bed situation. Perhaps some Adult diapers? sorry, I couldn't resist...

@themill said...

I can't decide whether the daughters bedroom is 'after Tracy Emmin' or just 'Awaiting Kim & Aggie,!

The Secretary said...

I have just given my youngest son his marching orders - get upstairs and tidy that room. The fact that I couldn't see the carpet for dirty clothes and toys was just too much.

My children avoid our bedroom at all costs - they are convinced that their dad and I are 'at it' even when we aren't, so they stay away - probably for the best!

dulwichmum said...

Drunk Mummy! Darling girl, if James reads this blog and realises that other married people with children actually have sex, he shall start to pester me - again... and we have two children already! What more could a man want?

In the name of God, (I shriek) we have our two children already, what more could you possibly want from me?

beta mum said...

That's very funny!
Our kids get in bed with us on weekend mornings and shriek in horror if any of their extremities come into contact with something hairy beneath the covers.
They haven't encountered a wet patch yet, probably because there never is one.
We wouldn't dare try it in the mornings... you never know when one of them will appear.

Cybil Libyc said...

I would have said, "Daddy did it!"

debio said...

My daughter, whilst intrigued by sex, is still at the stage where she finds the whole thing 'gross'.
When reminding us she was going for a sleepover on Thursday night she asked my husband what we would be doing, he said, 'maybe going out, loud music, having sex - probably not in that order'.
She replied, 'euch!' in her best Summer from O.C. voice.
Shame re England, but very close result.

mutterings and meanderings said...


I agree you should've said: "Daddy did it" ...

rilly super said...

the only wet patch in my bed is from the leak in the roof, sigh.

Mopsa said...

beyond funny - but I very much hope you do do it again!

The Good Woman said...

Oh dear Drunk Mummy. Couldn't you have passed it off as a small spill from your early morning tipple???

Omega Mum said...

Very, very funny. Definitely blame partner next time. 'Bitter/burnt currants' - not sure, sounded too like my cooking for comfort.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

oh DM, you know he will tell all his mates at school? Wouldn't you rather they think you're a foxy babe in the sack than a shrivelled incontinent wrinkly?

jenny said...

Those horrible "damp patches!" They always end up on my side of the bed. Thank goodness we've taught the girls not to sleep in our bed with us!

Now how can I get Hubby to stop poking me is my next dilemma!

rilly super said...

drunkmummy, darling, if my children ever ask me where babies come from can I point then in your direction? You seem so much better able to deal with this kind of area of enquiry than me, sigh.

Drunk Mummy said...

Hello lady macleod!
No need to call first. I am not in the least bit house-proud (ie the place is always a tip). Nappies would be one solution - the children already think my underwear is hilarious.

@themill - definitely the latter - it could be a very long wait.

secretary - definitely the best for everybody, even if you are not 'at it'!

Dulwich Mum - can't you just go to sleep and tell him to pull your nightie down when he's finished?

beta mum - I think I would shriek too. Don't you shave your legs? Or is beta dad the hairy one?

Hello cybil!
I like your style - why didn't I think of that? I usually blame Dad for everything else - when he's not listening.
Thanks for the link!

debio - did you get up to all of that on Thursday? Two out of three, maybe? All three at the same time, perhaps?

M&M - absolutely, I'm kicking myself for not thinking of it.

Rilly, darling - you need to get a man in!

Mopsa - despite the kids' best efforts, we will try!

the good woman - interesting idea - that 'hair of the dog' glass of prosecco first thing in the morning!

omega mum - I didn't really 'sell' that cava, did I?

Pig - even with vast quantities of alcohol, I could not maintain the illusion of being a foxy babe. Shrivelled, incontinent wrinkly is much more fitting, and offers a more natural development of my style!

Jenny - Is your Hubby 'poking' you, or merely poking you to get out of bed and see to the kids? I have never seen Mountain Papa, so I have no idea which would be preferable.

Rilly - as with all other matters of a delicate nature, I shall merely lie through my teeth to them. Either that, or I shall use my new answer: 'Daddy did it.'