Thursday, 5 April 2007

Would I Lie to You?

I am off for the weekend to visit my family. The kids are excited at the prospect of the long journey, because we always stop at the motorway service station for a burger. Its not really the burger they want – just the plastic toy that comes with it. I keep suggesting to them that they would be better off eating the plastic toy, and playing with the food, but they will have none of it.
I am already developing an unhealthy level of anxiety about my role as The Easter Bunny on Sunday morning, when I will have to escape undetected into my Dad’s garden to hide some little Easter eggs for the kids to find. I have always insisted on scrupulous levels of honesty from my children, yet I continue to lie to them in the most bare-faced manner about the existence of the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus. I know that any day now they are going to unmask me as the craven liar I really am, and I’m dreading it. As a result, like Madame Bovary, I have resorted to crafting an increasingly tangled web of deceit to cover my tracks. I am seriously considering doing the egg hiding on the Saturday night, when they are asleep, so I won’t be caught red-handed.
The risk is that one of the urban foxes will get to the choccies before the kids do, and I will be faced with explaining away the carnage of empty foil wrappers to my weeping children, who no doubt would be convinced that the Easter Bunny had been eaten along with the eggs.
On the other hand, my family are rather big drinkers (no surprise there) and my children very early risers, so in order to continue the deception, I will have to get up at the crack of dawn on Easter Sunday with a hangover. On that basis, the potential bunny-massacre scene is looking worth the risk – at least I won’t have to lie about it next year.
As I am savouring a glass of citrussy Nepenthe Sauvignon Blanc (£7.99 Ocado) I am beginning to see a form of salvation from my years of gratuitous fraud. How about telling my kids that the Tooth Fairy has retired to a ‘Sprightly Seniors’ Community’ where she operates a successful dental implant business? And Santa? Thanks to global warming and high cholesterol levels, he is now running a celebrity ‘fat camp’ at his golf and leisure complex in Marbella.
Happy Easter! I’ll be posting again when I’m back on Tuesday 10th.

8 comments:

Nunhead Mum of One said...

Mackenzie has not believed in the tooth fairy since he caught me raiding his own piggy bank for change to put under his pillow. Ooops, busted!

dulwichmum said...

Damn the urban fox! I never thought of that.

Anonymous said...

I just read your blog after Stay at Home Dad suggested it. Oh, my God! you're FUNNY! I have little kids too (4 under 10) and I was laughing out loud!! Thankyou! You're now on my blog favorites list!

dulwichmum said...

Ha, ha, ha - I love the train of thought about the urban fox. We are terribly similar with regard to how we think! Tomorrow I shall be able to drink wine again as Lent will be finished. They have opened a Majestic Wine 5 minutes from my house this week, we will almost identical...
Perhaps we should organise a few drinks together?

Drunk Mummy said...

Anonymous - I take my hat off to you! 4 under 10 is no laughing matter. The last ten years must have been a blur. They have been for me too, but for different reasons!
I do owe a huge debt of gratitude to Stay at Home Dad for his kind mention.

Dulwich Mum - enjoy climbing back on the wagon. I'm told that it tastes even better after abstention, but I've never abstained long enough to find out.
I was thinking about starting a Drunk Mummy Wine Club, where people could recommend their favourite wines for under a tenner. If anyone wants to let me know their very own "mothers little helper" I could compile a list, and we could all have a few drinks together!

Drunk Mummy said...

Nunhead Mum of One, it is nice to know that there is someone out there who is capable of stooping even lower than me.

Stay at home dad said...

And there was I thinking that noone paid me the least attention...

You too! I used to tape giant sausage rolls to my head in the 80s as well!!

My, ahem, 'mummy's little helper' at the moment is Waitrose Pfalz (I can neither say nor spell this word) Riesling 2005. I think £4.99. Both fruity and dry it has the benefit of being so intense that you actually drink less of it.

Sahd.

Drunk Mummy said...

Thanks for the recommendation SAHD - I look forward to sampling your 'Daddy's Little Helper', although I'm not convinced that its intensity will mean that I am likely to drink less of it.
Its on my shopping list!