"I'm not (even) fat, I'm pregnant"

There must be thousands of pregnant women who are looking at the pictures of Gap’s new maternity range, featuring Eva Herzigova’s stretch mark-free ‘bump’, and weeping into their lycra tummy panels. Herzigova (she of the talking tits) is apparently 7 months pregnant, with what I can only presume is a hamster. She proudly displays her gently rounded stomach, which looks look like an over-indulgence on a Chinese takeaway meal, rather than an actual pregnancy. It makes you want to yell “Go on Eva, one burp and it’s gone.”
Of course, I am just plain envious. When I was pregnant I resembled a ship in full sail from about 5 months onwards – I even put weight on my feet. My heart goes out to all the poor souls out there in the latter stages of pregnancy, whose only relief in this hot weather is to ease their massive bulk into the kiddies’ paddling pool and be sprayed with a garden hose.
According to The Sunday Times, Eva is not worried about getting ‘back into shape’ after the birth (yeah, I bet). I always said I wasn’t worried about getting my body back after pregnancy either – I would much rather have got someone else’s instead. Sadly, I had to settle for my own, but with the added bonus of a stomach that had so many folds, I could have put a drawstring through and made a really useful duffle bag.

A glass of slightly smoky La Grille Chenin Blanc (£5.99 – down from £7.99, Ocado) is helping me see a small chink in Herzigova’s gushing mother-to-be perfection.
She reveals, mischievously, that she has developed an unfamiliar liking for sweet things, especially chocolate. Well, that’s not going to go away. I give her a year before she is gobbling leftover biscuits, and surreptitiously licking the insides of empty chocolate mousse pots.